| oh, fuck. well, fuck. fuuuuuuuuck. |
[Apr. 26th, 2009|10:24 am] |
Now that I have secured myself a job in Portland, much stress has subsided. excitement, big plans, fear, and sadness have become the main topics at hand. I made the decision to head up pretty spontaneously, at a time when I felt like I couldn't possibly be less happy. I always imagined myself planning a move a very long time in advance, planning and thinking and mulling it over for months or years. But here it is, a little over a month later, and I'm leaving in two weeks.
I just feel like since high school ended, I have been staring at a brick wall. For five years I have felt at a complete standstill, incapable of advancement, stuck in Palos Verdes, fucked by debt and bad choices, incapable of moving out. The last couple months had me wondering- if now is not the time, when will it be? Will it ever really be the right time, or will I still be doing this at 25? I can't do this forever. So now I'm leaving behind the person I love and care about more than anything in the world. I'm leaving my family, who don't get excited for me because they don't want me to go. My nephew, who is growing faster than I can keep up with. My friends who I care about so much. I don't know if I can really get along without them. But if I stay here I truly feel like I will never get myself out of this slump of being sad and alone and frustrated.
This is probably the hardest thing I will have done in my 22 years. But when I finally do, I will be proud of myself for finally doing what for the past 5 years I felt I could never do but every single day I wished I could.
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| I don't need no friends, I've got a cell phone, don't I? |
[Mar. 19th, 2009|09:09 am] |
I am hurdling forward in what I hope is the right direction. My summer will be spent in Portland, OR, where the real punx go. Not only is this the only place in the world where I could possibly afford to live, but I will get to live in a 100 year old house with some of my best friends. Perhaps fall will bring me back, perhaps not. I am doing what I wanted to do a year ago, but didn't think I was emotionally prepared for. But I am. I could not possibly spend another season here. Not when I could have this to come home to.
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| mystery train |
[Mar. 6th, 2009|02:47 pm] |
feeling a bit like i'm losing the only thing that really matters to me. not really sure how to cope.
and lisa frank is high
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| honestly |
[Feb. 27th, 2009|04:17 pm] |
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this shit fucking sucks |
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| foot ox |
[Feb. 19th, 2009|06:17 pm] |
i am the world spinning around inside of you
i am the animal that ripped your heart in two
i am the blood flowing out from your nostrils you have destroyed with horrible chemicals
i'm your shirtless father in the front yard beating you
i'm your little brothers, begging him not to
and i'm your pregnant mother crying in the bathroom
i'm your pregnant mother crying in the bathroom
i am an offer you cannot refuse
i am a dress you were soon to infuse with
i am the androgyny that used to confuse you
i am your androgyny that used to confuse you
i am your late night TV addiction
i am the reason you can't pay attention
i'm the only the only girl that could ever love you
and i'm building a pet cemetery inside of your heart. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 22nd, 2009|03:41 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | a story tales tragedy | ] |
I took this from guitar center to scan, and upon getting home discovered this as the dudes default myspace pic. thanks guy, saved me the trouble.
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| 2009: the year of the DGAF |
[Jan. 2nd, 2009|08:19 pm] |
resolutions:
stop giving a fuck (this is the main one. This one will dictate all that follow)
be less shy
fall in love with someone who loves me back (they have to love me back, cuz its not really that awesome if they don't HA HA)
do a stand up comedy routine at least once
have a band that is awesome
keep cooking a lot and get better
drop 30 more lbs
we'll see. I'll check a few of those off for sure.
goin to punk city this week. Later!
oh PS:
This is the best picture.
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 31st, 2008|12:22 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Polka DOT DOT DOT | ] |
take me here NOW!
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| winter solstice |
[Dec. 28th, 2008|09:17 am] |
I guess its that time of year when the stars align a certain despicable way, and the climate shifts and the air is so thick its sure to make your chest cave in. we all get bad feelings but what is it about this time of year that makes them hit you in swarms? I need a break. I need to get out of this city for awhile, and maybe take a two week long nap when I get back. i need someone to snuggle up with when its really cold, because everyone else does.
things will be better next week. they have to. |
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| day of solitude. |
[Nov. 16th, 2008|03:25 pm] |
yesterday I spent all day doing things that needed to be done. I stayed in on a Saturday night for the first time in I don't know how long, even though the possibilities were endless. I ran errands, did some shopping, did some decorating, then spent the night holed up in my room making a mix cd, sipping absinthe and accidentally getting wasted. I do not allow much time to myself, and I realized how important days like this are, and how I tend to take them for granted.
I got a free Blendtec blender from work. I wish Chad and Kyle were around for this. I think I could get a few hundred bucks on Ebay for it, but I might just blend the shit outta some stuff first. |
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| thorns of life. |
[Nov. 15th, 2008|04:37 pm] |
A few general points of interest:
-Blake Schwarzenbach's new band (see above)
-My new band
-Batter Blasters
-George Oscar Bluth II
-the 'moto, the Jip, the Collective, tigers, yo's, and hey man add flame chicken to the list.
-regional Mexican cuisine
-uncompromising brutality
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 12th, 2008|10:26 am] |
I don't know where I'll be or what I'll be doing, but 11/11/11 is going to be a friday night. It will be the last night of our lives.
i have a new band very much in the works. the wheels are rolling, the gears are grinding at an unstoppable rate. things are going to get so good. |
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| This is why John Darnielle is amazing |
[Oct. 27th, 2008|10:38 am] |
Thank You Mario But Our Princess Is In Another Castle
I waited here all by myself
the room was dark and it smelled like sulfur
I heard the screams from way down in the darkness
felt pretty sure my life was over
I kept my hat on just for luck
sang simple tunes the whole night through
I wondered if I'd wake to find myself in flames
as I waited here for you
yeah when you came in
I could breathe again
I saw some guys dressed up like sorcerers
blue robes that flowed above the ground
they came and went and I was frightened for my life
I tried not to make a sound
just when my solitude was closing in
I heard a howl like screeching tires
and I told you the one thing I know how to say
through the bright ringing drone of eight-bit choirs
yeah when you came in
I could breathe again
Super Mario Bros. from Toad's perspective. Is this a "hell yeah", or a "shit yeah"? DEFINITELY a shit yeah.
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2008|04:30 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | The Matrix soundtrack on vinyl | ] |
I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, so, I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands. |
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| Every thirty seconds, a stepdad breaks a promise |
[Oct. 19th, 2008|05:29 pm] |
Child millionaires make me sick. The kid from blank check sure did make a million dollars go a long way, didn’t he, the little pervert. And richie rich had a mcdonald’s in his master bedroom, so why the fuck can’t I have an Arby’s? God, I’ve never asked you for much. But I’m asking you right now, from one homewrecker to another. Dear god, please let there be franchise opportunities in my area. DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET THERE BE FRANCHISE OPPORTUNITIES AVAILABLE IN MY AREA. And I’m really having trouble getting it together. I mean I’m REALLY having trouble getting it together, so I write about things you people can relate to- like quitting the wrestling team or trying on grandma’s makeup. And yeah you love grandma, but your friends think its weird that you’re never around, and mom’s getting kind of suspicious. Well when you were younger it was called sleeping over, but now we just call it a one night stand. Hey, maybe you should move in, I mean shes got a big basement and her cooking is fucking fantastic. But naw man I’m just not into that kind of commitment, I mean I’m not really ready for a relationship. |
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| one year. |
[Oct. 9th, 2008|10:12 am] |
| [ | music |
| | The Swarm AKA Knee Deep In the Dead | ] |
I feel like the last 365 days of my life have been the longest, strangest, most life changing, and also the best days of my life so far. One year ago I was a sad, hopeless man with little inclination to leave the house. October 2007 was no different, aside from an amazing Weakerthans show and a fun Vegas trip.
November began with a scary trip to the doctor, a near emotional breakdown, and the simple decision to address the fact that I had brought all this unhappiness and negativity onto myself. Within a couple weeks I was already feeling like a different person. In that eleven months I have been able to lose 75 lbs and feel confident in myself for the first time ever.
In the last year, I have become a much more social person. I'm sure some people have noticed this change. I have met some really cool people. I have strengthened an old friendship and finally found a person who is always there for me, whom I can share anything with and always feel safe around. I have strengthened a newer friendship and found the ultimate homie to drink snobby beer and do nerdy shit with. I have fallen back in love with my old friends, who I never really forgot about, but who for some stupid reason I felt could never understand how I felt. I learned to stop letting Morrissey songs dictate my life.
I have done more traveling this year than I have ever really done. A spontaneous trip to Montreal, a couple awesome road trips, a trip to New York that started as an overcomplicated journey of epic proportion, but when faced with reality became a relaxing weekend in the city.
I'm not afraid of my future anymore. I have learned to have fun and just be. Things will sort themselves out.
I no longer wake up in the morning feeling like the world is a repulsive pile of shit I am stuck in. I am becoming the person I want to be, the kind of person I would want to be around, and I am almost there. I'm almost fucking there. |
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